Celebrating.... and then... not

In my December post, the caption under the picture of Preston and I after my first Messiah concert mentioned a secret we were both keeping. Well, here you go...

Thanksgiving weekend had us feeling EXTRA thankful!!! And here's why....

Yes, you are seeing that right...PREGNANT!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! For the first time ever, I was able to sing my most FAVORITE concert of the year, MESSIAH, knowing I was going to be a mom!! We had to wait until Monday, December 12th to go to the doctor to confirm and when we did, there it was on the screen- a BABY!!  Preston & I decided that it would be THE BEST Christmas present to our families and so, we were going to frame this picture as gifts and within the course of two days (since our family is so huge) give them to everyone to open as their main present! I LOVE surprise gifts like this!! So, I had another exciting concert weekend ahead of me singing Holiday Pops (yep, PREGO) then the following weekend would be the present extravaganza!!!!!!

Or so we thought....

I love singing...it makes everything better even just for a moment.  Holiday Pops weekend was magical. After my Saturday performance I met up with Preston's Aunt & cousins who came to see me sing!! This was their fist time seeing me sing & I was so excited they came bc it was an AMAZING night of magical musical moments! When I got home that night after rambling (yes, I do that when I'm excited!) to Preston about how awesome the night was (don't worry, he went Friday night!), I began getting ready for bed.

Then... everything changed.

My joy & happiness was ripped away... I knew something was wrong. There was bleeding I couldn't ignore, not spotting, bleeding.  So I immediately called the on-call doctor for my OBGYN and talked to her.  She comforted me as much as she could and said she didn't think anything was wrong since I wasn't in any pain and to TRY my best to relax & not worry, even though she said she knew that would be hard. She said two things to me that I can still hear clearly in my mind and will never forget....

1. "If it is a miscarriage... there's nothing you can do to stop it."

2. "If does turn out to be a miscarriage... you didn't do anything to cause it. NOTHING...NOTHING you did could have caused this if it turns out that's what's happening... you need to know that- you have to know that."

So, of course by now I'm crying. But, I'm going to rest, relax, take it easy & try really hard NOT to worry.

The next day was Coldewey Christmas with all of Preston's dad's family! I love this day! So many laughs, fun conversations, goofy moments & love from all of the younger cousins (the great-grandchildren), Chinese Christmas & hugs from everyone! Only... it wasn't fun for me. It was hard, so hard. The bleeding was getting worse and I was a wreck! I did my best to put on my bravest happy face because I refused to ruin this day for anyone! So I made it through the day even though it seemed to drag on forever... I hate saying that because I love that family & spending time with them, but I just wanted to go home & lie down.  And we finally did.  I got home, changed into pjs (even though it was only 5pm) and crawled onto the sofa under the quilt.  After a while...I started having pain, sharp pain. it would come & go & I kept the heating pad on my stomach the whole time. I tried my best to get sleep that night but mostly just dozed & tossed & turned.

The next morning (Monday morning), I called in a sub for work & let Coach (Matt, my friend & the coach at my school) know I wouldn't be in. Then immediately called the doctor & made an appointment to go in. The pain was still coming off & on, but when it was on-it was bad.  I knew something was wrong, but still held on to hope that everything would be ok. It wasn't.... the doctor confirmed....

Miscarriage.

Such a horrible, horrible word.  Such a horrible, horrible thing.

After we got home, the REAL pain hit. And hit HARD.  It was the worst pain I've ever felt.  I just cried, & cried in between & during trips to the bathroom. That was the rest of my day... losing our baby. Preston called our family for me. I couldn't open my mouth to start the words without losing it. I'm so thankful for him...there's no way I could have gone through that with out him.

Everything after that is kind of a blur.  I remember at times if I think about it, but the next few days...weeks, were a blur. And there you have it.  We'll be parents one day... I still get angry & sad over it everyday. But, we'll get there. We have each other & AMAZING family & friends who have prayed for us, been there for us, and are helping us get through this extremely difficult time.

Praying for strength,
Sandra